The worst feeling in the world is trying to hold back a panic attack in public

19/12/2016

Please forgive me for the lack of posts over the weekend.. the below will explain it all.
On Friday evening I went from left to right in a matter of hours.
On Friday I had a lovely day at work. The office was buzzing and everyone was excited for the winter party.
As I was organising the event I popped over to the venue earlier to check on everything, changed a couple of tables where drinks were located and spoke to management. I was slightly annoyed that our area was in the middle of a walkway so non-staff could steal our drinks and food, but there was nothing we could do about it and I figured it wouldn’t be that bad.

People started to arrive, drinks were poured and soon canapes and sliders were being served. Everyone was having a really good time and so was I. During all of this we had some issues with payments so I was chasing management to get this sorted. After a while I started to notice non-staff standing and chilling in our private area and I kindly told them that this was a private event and they left, no feelings hurt. I did this a handful of times and started to get a little bit anxious about it all.

There was a group of two girls and two guys standing in the middle of all of us and I kindly told them that this was a private party and if they could move. None of them listened. I tried explaining again and again and even said that I could get management and they could confirm that is was our area.. no reaction. I left.
I was dancing with a group of colleagues when the girl I had just spoken to danced towards me – clearly to annoy me, and she succeeded. I told her off and simply said this is not funny to me, please leave. She started to threaten me (?) and eyes turned towards us. One of my major anxiety triggers is physical confrontation and something in me switched. I said I’ll call on security and left. Unfortunately I couldn’t find security or management, and the waiters around me were not helpful at all. After that minor confrontation I found more people trying to get into our area, asked them to leave, and again the only thing that happened was that I was being treated without respect.
All of a sudden my heart was raising, my eyes teared up and I felt dizzy.

I remember walking to the bathroom, messaging G saying I need to leave, got the worst anxiety. Little did I know I was actually having a very very bad anxiety/panic attack.
He asked what had happened and where I was and I just said I have to leave now. I tried my best not to break down completely in the bathroom, went to the bar and paid for whatever I had to pay, I didn’t want to go and the leave the rest having to deal with payments and receipts. After I paid I grabbed my coat and bag and snuck out unnoticed.
Whilst walking to monument station I messaged Mikaela and wrote I think I just had a panic attack, can you talk?, and jumped on the DLR.
Everything’s slightly blurry from now and it scares the f#ck out of me that I can’t remember most of what happened. I know I talked to Mikaela as soon as I had signal on my phone, starting to cry, got off at one stop early because I just couldn’t stay on the train and walked a longer route home. I remember holding on to a rail crying, I remember coming home. I remember talking to Tom as he’s one of my go-to’s in terms of mental health chats and to G. I also got out of bed and walked to Tesco to buy some juice and food and my boyfriend was on the phone the entire time. I didn’t eat, I just watched an episode of friends and went to bed.

It’s now Monday and I’ve got this very uneasy feeling in me from what happened on Friday and the fact that I can barely remember about two hours scares me. I’ve looked up the differences in anxiety and panic attacks and I think I had a mix of the two. My anxiety was simply triggered by various events during the evening and it all exploded in my mind.

If you ever feel like you’re having an anxiety or panic attack – speak to someone! Call a friend or text someone. I don’t know what I would’ve done had no one been there. Also, don’t feel guilty or like you are bothering someone because you are not. I feel like that all the time but I also know that real friends/partners will be there no matter what.

I regret not saying come over right now, I need you to anyone available but I’m also super grateful that my friends and bf was able to spend hours with me on the phone. Even if I don’t remember much I know it helped massively.

Not too sure how to end this post so.. here’s a picture of a cute puppy.

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5 Comments

  • Reply Michelle 20/12/2016 at 5:08 am

    Wow. I’ve only had one panic attack but thankfully it didn’t last long because I, like you, called someone and they talked me down. It was very real and my stomach hurt, my hands were shaking, and my was kind of fluttering if that makes sense. I took some time off of work and I connected with nature and came to find that melatonin is my best friend. 10 mg. Great post. PS I cannot take any type of confrontation.

    • Reply admin 20/12/2016 at 7:37 am

      Thank you for commenting!
      I fully understand what you mean and great that you had someone to talk to. I’ve heard of melatonin, might look into it! Hope you have a lovely Christmas x

  • Reply tuzz 20/12/2016 at 8:26 pm

    <3 ta hand om dig.

  • Reply Suzy Q 23/12/2016 at 12:59 pm

    Stackars dig!! Låter hemskt och väldigt läskigt. Ta hand om dig. Kram

    • Reply admin 23/12/2016 at 10:33 pm

      Tack för kommentaren Suzy!! <3

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